2. Yes, white IS see through when it gets wet.
3. You're in a pool. Full of water. Your hair is going to get wet.
4. If your child can't swim, don't leave them alone.
5. If we're sitting in a lifeguard chair, or wearing a lifeguard shirt....assume we're lifeguards.
6. If you see the above and still ask, "Excuse me, are you a lifeguard?" I will tell you "No," give you my tube and walk away saying, "You can save all the stupid people."
7. If I can see the whites of your eyes, I'm coming in after you. No matter if "you're fine" or not.
8. Plastic bags do not count as swim diapers.
9. Don't ignore me. You know you heard it.
10. This facility is for families, not for making them.
11. If you scream for absolutely no reason, I will tell you to shut up.
12. If you're pregnant, for the love of Pete, don't wear a bikini.
13. If you really shouldn't be wearing a bikini or a speedo, DON'T. It's nasty.
14. If found wearing full length pants and long sleeved shirts in the pool, we'll assume you're polygamists.
15. Go under the lane lines, or I will SHOW you how.
16. Lap swimming is for geniuses. Go down on the right, come back on the left. IF. YOU. DARE.
17. Kickboards are not as easy as they look.
18. We really can hear what you're saying.
19. It's all fun and games till someone splashes the lifeguard. Then it's personal.
20. Sometimes we look for reasons to blow our whistle at you. Deal.
21. Don't push the red button.
22. You look funny when you fall down.
23. I should not EVER have to see your butt crack.
24. WALK!
25. Just because you were on swim team in high school does not make you and expert. So let me just teach your snotty nosed child my way.
26. Full face mask goggles make you look like a noob.
27. If I have to tell you more than once, I'm gonna go crazy white girl on you.
28. As a matter of face, I DO have the power to kick you out.
29. I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.
30. We can tell when you pee in the pool.
31. Time-outs are fun. For Me. They're really cold and humiliating for you. Three excellent reasons to use them.
32. If you do something slightly ridiculous, we will talk about it in the guard room.
33. Swim diapers should not be used as hats.
34. You look like a fool when you attempt butterfly. Stop. Now!
35. Your freestyle sucks too. Give up before we give you a nickname.
36. If you're a regular, you probably already have a nickname.
37. WALK!
38. If you bribe us, we tend to overlook things.
39. If there are covers on the blocks, don't stand on them.
40. You will never know what we have in our packs.
41. If you bring a cell phone or iPod near or in the pool, you're downright crazy. And we'll laugh when it get's wet.
42. When you ask me what time it is, I will point to the clock above your head.
43. We like it when you get to know us. But stalking is creepy.
44. Most of the time, we don't really like talking to you.
45. What happened in "The Sandlot" will NEVER happen to you. Except for the getting kicked out part.
46. If you don't follow the rules, we'll use you to practice our CPR skills. Don't worry, we'll only break a couple ribs.
47. Thou shalt not chew gum.
48. Go Home! You've been here longer than me!
49. You want to get in right after we clean poop out of the pool? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!
50. Patrons must obey all prison guards, security guards, honor guards, border guards, point guards, body guards, crossing guards, Coast guard, National guard, guard dogs, and all lifeguards.
1 comment:
Ashley!!! This is Natasha Robinson! I freaking Love you! I laughed my head off like crazy! That was good! :D
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