Change

It's late Thursday night the Sunday before I'm going to get released. It hasn't been officially told to me. But I know. I know.

I know in the way the Bishopric has been avoiding me all week.

I know in the way that I can't make concrete decisions when it comes to the sisters in the ward when I used to be able to.

I know because I can see a light at the end of this abysmal tunnel that has been neverending since March.

I know because I just have this feeling deep in my bones that I can tell is the Spirit hitting me like Rafiki that my time is up.

This calling has stretched me and pulled me and torn at my soul in ways that I didn't know was possible. I have never been so frustrated and confused and in turmoil than in the past 7 months. There are so many times where I have asked Heavenly Father why He put me in this calling. Because I just wasn't seeing how I was making a difference. I couldn't see past the shortcomings of the people surrounding me, and the shortcomings that I myself am made of. There were so many times when I forgot to trust in Heavenly Father and let Him lead.

AND YET

This calling has pushed me and led me and grown me in ways I didn't know was possible. I have never felt closer to my Heavenly Father than at times when I was in the temple crying out to the Lord on behalf of the sisters in my ward. I was able to witness miracles. I was able to be "an handmaiden of the Lord". And that is all I wanted...to do my Father's bidding and be a facilitator of the Spirit. And if on at least one Sunday in these past 7 months, one person felt the Spirit and left Relief Society feeling more ready to face their life....then I and my presidency made a difference through the help of our Savior and Brother Jesus Christ.

I will be eternally grateful for the blessing of sitting in front of the sisters on Sunday during a lesson and being able to see glimpses of their bright and shining foreverness.

And those are the things I will choose to take with me. Not my frustrations or my confusion. But the hope I see in their eyes, the peace I feel sitting in Relief Society surrounded by Women of the Lord, and the togetherness of motherhood. YES. MOTHERHOOD. In a YSA ward.

I have thought too many times throughout this calling that I will be ready when the time comes for me to be released. But now that the time is here, it is heartbreaking. I am finally getting to a place where I'm hitting my stride, being able to communicate well with sisters, and finding ways to truly connect with them. I'm finding ways to squawk and talk and stand up for what is true and right and good. And I have found a deep and oozey love for these sisters.

But I'm just going to keep turning pages of my story. That's all I can do. And the next one will be just as beautiful and gold embossed and crazy as this one, I can bet on it. Because Heavenly Father only writes the best story for me.

XOXO, A

I never want this calling again. But if the Lord calls, I will answer.